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::Ctrl-alt-del - comic
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Thursday, November 27, 2008
Almost Dying
Changes nothing, as we all know.
I'm not sure if it occured to me before, but I'm realising again the irony of the words 'trust' and tryst' being a letter apart on the keyboard.
'Do or do not, there is no try'. I never used to think there was a negative implication to this phrase. Actually I guess there never was, but I seem to be suffering from the reverse end of this. I feel... Stuck. Tied down to wherever I am by some unseen force (and every inch of me is screaming out to blame where I am for this, and while a large part of me wants to agree I need to believe that I am somehow stronger than that) that makes me think that just flowing along is the most sensible thing to do now.
Self-reflection in the time that I have never seems to get me anywhere good. Ultimately I come to find some solace in the work, Conrad style, but even that seems like such a childish way to deal with problems. One day I guess we all have to face our own hearts of darkness in some way or another, and the prospect of doing it alone is... well, saddening.
I used to be afraid of the dark. Actually I still am, to a lesser degree. The odd thing was that my fear of the dark is kinda more accurately described as fear of being alone in the dark. There's no rational reason for you to feel any better with someone beside you who's just as blind as you are. All the things you were afraid of when you alone still stand no matter who's next to you. Yet it's always somehow more... comforting.
I have very few... acquaintances. Like... people I talk to every now and then, in a more like keeping up with each other's lives for curiosity's sake but never really revealing what's really going on in your life kind of people. Actually considering my MSN groups kinda contradict this I've no idea why I said that, but it just seems quite true at the moment. My social circle seems divided into people that I really care about and people that I don't give a damn about at all, with very few in between(Guess where my current associates belong).
An odd thought just occured to me. Humans alone are weak pathetic things. Humans who have other humans with them feel that they're stronger, feel more convicted about whatever it is they believe in, but actually all they are is just a group of weak pathetic things. Humans with God feel strong and are strong, but without other humans it's actually still kinda worthless, because there's nobody to share that strength with.
Most people I see around me seem to have one or the other. Or want one or the other.
I should stop this I guess. Nobody likes a whiner.
Moca wrote @ 7:50 PM
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Saturday, November 15, 2008
Live Your Life
It's one of those times, I guess. Another year ending and you wonder what you've been doing with yourself these last 12 months. One year ago I walked out of my last A level paper not feeling very the same exhilaration that most of my peers must've been feeling, only this strange feeling that some period of my life ended right there.
It's nice and fun to talk about JC days, but ultimately all it leaves you with is this sad sense of yearning for something that will never come back. For days where we would play games which nobody knew how to play, and dream about friendships and maybe that little bit more that would never come true. The closest you'll ever get to that feeling now's sold for fifty cents a cup...
I'm stopping here.
There's this tendency now to spiral into what I used to scold some of my friends for doing. Doesn't matter how blessed you are, everyone feels like this every now and then. Thankfully I have also been blessed enough to see how much worse the lives of some other people are. It's always... shocking, to realise that the things you're all so concerned about are so insignificant and trivial compared to the problems of others. And I don't mean the generic 'others' that you read about in the newspaper, I'm talking about people you've actually seen, known, touched in a case where telling them your problems would probably be tantamount to comic relief for a short while.
The hole I've dug isn't that deep, I'm hoping. The only thing standing in my way is... well, once again, myself. Because of the feeling that my little hole might just be a far safer and happier place than the world outside.
Moca wrote @ 8:22 AM
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