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Saturday, March 08, 2008
Existential Crisis
It's like... a slap in the face. That everything you thought you knew well and did well just isn't true anymore. Like everything you've built your identity around's just been shattered, leaving pieces all around you, like 3 or 4 jigsaws that got mixed up in a giant box and you have no idea which piece belongs to which, and nothing seems to make sense anymore.
And for the first time in my life I find myself... paralysed. I can't make a decision, can't even bring myself to start looking into the future. It's partially because I'm kinda living two seperate lives right now, and I've no idea how to reconcile them both. Not even sure if I should - it's the only way I can stay sane over there. I'm perfectly content with continually living in limbo, just... going through the days as if nothing's changed.
I suppose it's always the first few days that are harder, but I hardly have the luxury of surrounding myself with friends that will just go out and enjoy themselves, putting all their disappointments (and my friends don't have many) behind them. All I have right now are... games. Talking to my parents is nice and all, but it rarely makes me feel any better, and more often than not I end up more miserable than before.
But you'll never know that. Even I don't know it.
I... should stop this. Snap out of this paralysis and just move on. A year or so ago I might easily have. Now...
There've been two changes in me, since the start of the year. One's more obvious and the other maybe less so. I think I'm slightly more... tolerant, of stuff that comes my way. You'd have to be there, to survive. Mellowed out, perhaps. It kinda links to the other change, which isn't as good - I'm becoming less and less willing to deal with problems.
'Walk away! That's all you RJ people know how to do - walk away!'
Which isn't true, and if you knew anyone from RJ you'dve thought twice (if possible) before saying something like that. It's just me.
Moca wrote @ 8:48 AM
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