::AO1D - RJC
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::Andrew Mcmahon - Jack's Mannequin
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::Wang Ling
::Wang Ting - RJC
::Wei Ren - RJC
::Xinrui - RJC
::QC - comic
::Girlsarepretty - 'comic'
::Ctrl-alt-del - comic
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Monday, March 31, 2008
Adaptive Strike
What's so wrong about an inability to adapt, an unwillingness to get out of my comfort zone? I guess if I'm really forced to I've no choice but to accept it, but looking around me it seems all too easy to get my way. Does that say alot about myself?
It's been a rather... odd weekend. Had almost no time to myself at all... According to my original schedule I didn't even have time for DotA or 'cades this week, but somehow things shifted around and i got my fix as usual.
I went on radio on saturday! It was some... family talk show thing, about how parents should bring up their children, and my parents were invited as guests. I wasn't originally supposed to go, but on their way out of the house they kinda just asked me along so I agreed. The talkshow itself wasn't really interesting, most of the stuff thrown around was rather cliched and normal... Tried my best to throw in something less often heard since I didn't have a script and was making everything up on the spot, but doubt I really suceeded. Still it was interesting to see Caldecott for the first time, as well as the studio.
Sometimes worrying in silence is pretty much all you can do.
Moca wrote @ 8:58 AM
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Friday, March 21, 2008
Purpose
It's... nice, to feel needed/wanted once in awhile. For whatever reason at all, be it as a friend to talk to when you're depressed, someone to hang out with, an extra leg for mahjong or dota. Ultimately you get some sort of satisfaction from the fact that you were actually called to render a service only you could give.
And conversely of course, it sucks when nobody calls on you for anything, and you see them happy and getting on with their lives just fine without you, and you wonder whether they remember what you did for them once, what you might have to do for them again? You're happy that they're happy, but somehow... lament that you're not part of that happiness?
For all my talk of selfishness it occurs to me that one of the things that gives me the most joy is seeing the people around me happy. Correction. Seeing them happy because of something I did, or just my presence. So there's the selfish Moca!
Is that so wrong?
Moca wrote @ 2:05 AM
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Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Almost
I'm getting struck by that feeling of being good at something, but just not anywhere near the best for me to be proud of it. The As, last sunday's tournament, etc. etc. The feeling's been recurring alot over the last few days. I just wish I had the time to perfect SOMETHING. Actually I keep blaming the lack of time but in reality I'm not sure whether it's because of that or because I just can't put in the full effort for anything. But that's me? It's always easy for me to commit to something in the short term, but to stick with something for the rest of your life is... scary. Like what if you decide in the end that it's not what you want to be good at?
What if you decide in the end that it's not what you want?
It's so much easier to live in the present. Day by day and just take things as they come. I've been having this mentality for the last... I dunno, maybe 5 or 6 years of my life now. And I'm becoming more and more used to the feeling. I don't like changes, but I don't like everything to be set in stone either. Does that even make sense?
Does it even have to?
I kinda envy my brother. I've quite disliked him for the past 14 years of his existence but over the last year or so he's actually matured quite abit. He kinda reminds me of myself at his age, except that he actually has the one thing that I lacked - that... self-confidence which allows him to dare to do things that most people wouldn't.
Plus he's actually likeable by most people.
Moca wrote @ 8:18 PM
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Saturday, March 08, 2008
Existential Crisis
It's like... a slap in the face. That everything you thought you knew well and did well just isn't true anymore. Like everything you've built your identity around's just been shattered, leaving pieces all around you, like 3 or 4 jigsaws that got mixed up in a giant box and you have no idea which piece belongs to which, and nothing seems to make sense anymore.
And for the first time in my life I find myself... paralysed. I can't make a decision, can't even bring myself to start looking into the future. It's partially because I'm kinda living two seperate lives right now, and I've no idea how to reconcile them both. Not even sure if I should - it's the only way I can stay sane over there. I'm perfectly content with continually living in limbo, just... going through the days as if nothing's changed.
I suppose it's always the first few days that are harder, but I hardly have the luxury of surrounding myself with friends that will just go out and enjoy themselves, putting all their disappointments (and my friends don't have many) behind them. All I have right now are... games. Talking to my parents is nice and all, but it rarely makes me feel any better, and more often than not I end up more miserable than before.
But you'll never know that. Even I don't know it.
I... should stop this. Snap out of this paralysis and just move on. A year or so ago I might easily have. Now...
There've been two changes in me, since the start of the year. One's more obvious and the other maybe less so. I think I'm slightly more... tolerant, of stuff that comes my way. You'd have to be there, to survive. Mellowed out, perhaps. It kinda links to the other change, which isn't as good - I'm becoming less and less willing to deal with problems.
'Walk away! That's all you RJ people know how to do - walk away!'
Which isn't true, and if you knew anyone from RJ you'dve thought twice (if possible) before saying something like that. It's just me.
Moca wrote @ 8:48 AM
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