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Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Speak of me as I am
I got back after the strenous soccer training (my feet are aching all over now) took a bath and went to my room to open the Valentine's Day present from the A01D girls. I read through the notes and, while looking for a place to keep them, opened my memoribilia drawer, where random stuff worth collecting are all kept.
I spent an hour or so sifting through old cards, photos (not very many. I only take photos in big groups), small mementos from friends and letters from various people. It was nice to reminisce about the past and stuff, something i rarely allow myself to do actually. Thinking too much about the past doesn't allow you to appreciate what you have in the present enough.
I wish somebody could do for me what Keith did for Lucas in OTH 4x10 or something... Like show him how the people around him would be affected if he hadn't been there and impacted their lives in some way, small or big, positive or negative. Sometimes i really do wonder whether the world would be a better place with or without me in it. People sometimes say life's more interesting with me around, but better?
I'm not really... depressed and worried about whether i'm making a positive difference in this world or not. Frankly i gave up worrying overly about what people think a long time ago, realising that my opinion should always be the only one that matters. And God, but divine beings don't count. This statement is going to seem ironic in the following paragraphs, but it still holds through. It's not really that i care very much and am intending to change my ways or anything, but it's just kinda interesting to know?
Or maybe it's just me, still wanting to know everything.
Which leads me to wonder how people see me, now. And if it's any different compared to the way they saw me 3 or so years ago. (I don't even want to talk about my existence before Sec3, honestly. It's like a part of me I'd much rather forget) I think some people (particularly those that don't know me all that well) would see me as a rather one-dimensional character. They may be right, but i'm inclined to think otherwise of myself. Not that i can blame them, their lack of interactions with me is probably due to a lack of amiability on my part sometimes. But sometimes i think it's kinda sad? It's probably the same the other way round. Sometimes being anti-social leads you to miss out on really cool characters, and even though i usually tend to gravitate to cool people (haha), with some you just really can't tell.
I think letters convey alot. When you write a serious letter you usually block out all external annoyances and let the words flow freely from the top of your head. Especially if it's an unstructured one, you tend to get rather... Pure thoughts. As in... unrefined for fear of embarassment. Sometimes, that is. Words usually pass through some light filtering machine in the minds of some, wondering how others would react to what they say. Can't say I don't, either. So re-reading all those letters just now gave me some insights into what these people were thinking when they wrote the letters, or more importantly what they were thinking of me.
What i'm going to ask next to those that come here is going to sound a little weird. Anytime any of you guys are free i'd like to ask you to write an email, or better yet a letter to me. I'd like to know what you all think of me, honestly. Kinda like a Friendster testimonial except you get to write bad things as well. Don't leave anything out, and extenuate nothing either. ... Haha. I don't really expect anybody to respond to this, so whatever does come will be really appreciated.
Moca wrote @ 8:11 PM
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